Thursday, October 25, 2007

Bedroom Confessional

OK, for some unknown reason, I am privy to truckloads of dirty dirt on just about all of my girlfriends. I am honored to hold such secrets and revelations and will not divulge any of them here (really). Conversations of the CHOWDAH sort usually begin with a friend saying these words: "OK, this is kind of TMI." But I think they say that as a sanity-checker for themselves. I, quite honestly, believe we are all freaks of some sort or another, and perhaps that's why people tell me things. Anyway, since many of you have let me in on certain bits of your bedrooms, I will give you one of mine. Don't worry - it's not TMI, just really funny.

So we've all heard the shit about sometimes just needing to do the wifely duty for his sake, right? I know that all of us are not programmed to run on such a circuit 24/7, so here is my fix for you. I keep a mental fishbowl full of slips of paper containing the names of certain attractive males I will never in all the fire of hell have the opportunity to, um, bang the living daylights out of. Note: no one that I know or that is the property of someone I know is fair game. On one of those nights when just getting it done for his sake is the goal, a cool thing happens in my brain. Have you ever been to a theatrical production where a character is being played by an understudy? Stick with me here. Generally, there is an announcement made that the understudy will be playing the role of such-and-such character. THIS IS THE COOLEST EVER! A little man in a soft voice pops into my head before said act and announces, "This evening for your enjoyment, the part of hubby will be played by (insert fishbowl name)." And, voila, you have a more entertaining time. Odd? Maybe. Better fantasy? Definitely. He cares? HELL NO! He wins no matter what. Period. Feel free to use this one any time.

I'm sure you're dying to know who's in the fishbowl. All I can say is that the fishbowl may or may not include (in no particular order): Donnie Wahlberg, Johnny Depp, Edward Norton, Leonard DiCaprio, Vince Vaughn, and several others. Perhaps I need a larger fishbowl since the vacuum incident...

Now it's your turn. DISH UP THE CHOWDAH SOLUTIONS!

14 comments:

Tessie said...

Oh, that is a classic. I totally do that one. And PLEASE, you know damn well they do it too. No harm, no foul, that's what I say.

I approve of your fishbowl with the notable exception of TheDiCaprio (ugg). Mine includes Mike Rowe from Dirty Jobs (hehe), Jake Gyllenhall (how the fuck do you spell that?), and Wentworth Miller from Prison Break. And, um, also possibly a dude that used to be on BR's soccer team. I DID NOT JUST SAY THAT! NEVERMIND!

Kristen said...

Famous people? Hmm...Brian Urlacher (da bears), Brenden Frasier, Brad Pitt in the Fight Club era, Johnny Depp, Matt Damon's Jason Bourne era. And, on the DL, the npt-so-famous macaroni and cheese guy. Oh, what a night.

mom of the year said...

Tessie: AWESOME! I thought that maybe I was a bit weird, but it's nice to know I'm in good company. I wonder how many times I've been a Bond girl??? I did not hear anything EVAH about a soccer guy. Nope. No mention of soccer guys here...

mom of the year said...

Kristen: Brenden Fraiser - I totally remember that! I love how you have different eras for your men. It's all about the visual, and whatever makes that happen for you is great (even Brenden swinging on a vine if you must). BRIAN URLACHER! Uh, ok. But only on nights when I don't have him. HA HA HA HA HA HA! And who could forget mac? Certainly NOT I!

mom of the year said...

Tessie: Just looking back over your list and have never thought about Mike Rowe before, but now I'm all "HELL YA! C'mon, baby, you know you want me!"

Kristen said...

I will so fight you for Brian Urlacher...the man looks great in those tight pants...what an ass...

mom of the year said...

YAY! Nice asses are awesome. TMI - I'd love to leave some fingernail marks on those cheeks!!!

Erica said...

Edward Norton... YUM!

My list may or may not include: Orlando Bloom, Johnny Depp, Brad Pitt, and hell, even Angelina.

Uh-oh. Did I just cross over the TMI line with that last one?

mom of the year said...

Erica: Dude, no not TMI. How the hell have you been? I believe it would mean that you rock and I'm sure your husband would definitely say so! We missed you!!!

mom of the year said...

Erica: Order of my is comment out.

Kristen said...

I totally forgot Mark Wahlburg, the brother of your love! Man, he is HOT!!!

mom of the year said...

Kristen: You can have Mark. Gimme Donnie...

Jenny's Vegcafe said...

I envy you that... I can't do it because I just keep thinking of even movie star flaws...

George on Grey's Anatomy but he's gay in real life therefore not even a possibility. Next,

Orlando Bloom-- but he's almost pretty like a girl.. not hot when you think about it too much

Brendan Frasier-- If you've ever seen him do an interview-- he's kind of a goober.

Brad Pitt-- Who can compare to Angelina Jolie and I'm still pissed at him for leaving Jennifer.

See why I have problems. Ugh. I once asked my man who though was attractive and one of his answers was Rachel Dratch from SNL. Why did I ask?

mom of the year said...

Jenny: Yeah, I totally get that. Man, I'll tell you, though, I'm all about the imagery. That's why Hollywood's a good pool to fish from - we can all pretend! My hubs gave me some girl from a commercial or something when I asked about his. I was all, "WHAT?!"