The LIST

So I have this blog topic list that you all so wonderfully itemized for me. And for the last few days I've stared at it and want to write some more of it. But I'm getting bogged down. Why? GOOD QUESTION!

I think I'm suffering from what-if-it-doesn't-come-out-right syndrome. That's generally what happens the few days following the sending out of some submission work. I'm all freaked-out about me perhaps being some silly fool and that I won't say exactly what I mean. Because that's truly what happens when a TYPE A personality sets out with a goal. It never stops; the end result can always be better. At some point, it takes some of my peeps to say, "Will you just quit obsessing and FUCKING SEND IT OUT?!"

So last night, I did send out some work. And now I get to play the waiting for an answer/did they even get it game. In effort to spice things up around here, I will diverge from the topic list for a couple of posts and write stress-free.

ERICA: I will get to SAHMBO, I promise. It's one of my favorite topics, and I think more people should talk about it and HOW MUCH IT SUCKS ASS.

TESSIE: ENFP - this is a good example. Knowing that only 8-10% of the world's populations sees things the way I do only perpetuates my silliness. BUT I MUST WRITE ABOUT IT. It will be coming soon. As will the much-awaited birth story.

Everyone else: Thanks for not saying I'm bat shit crazy (even though you are all thinking it).

I'll be in touch!

APB: Bloggers MIA

Where the hell is everyone? I found only a handful of new posts up today. Did some catastrophe happen and my family is the only one that survived? That's not good for repopulating, let me tell you! I'm lonely!!!

Why HDTV ROCKS This Mama!

We have cheap cable. The kind that goes straight from the wall to the TV - no fancy boxes or any of that mess. So we don't receive the HD signal (but we will when the nation holds a gun to our skulls in 2009 and I HAVE to pay to upgrade). However, because we do have an HDTV now, we can stretch the cheap-guy's cable signal out to fit the HDTV format on our new TV. Which means that things get slightly wider. Including Victoria's Secret models. Just in time for the fashion show.

And thanks to my running and walking efforts to multiply the HDTV effect:

I NOW LOOK LIKE A VICTORIA'S SECRET MODEL!

Imagine the possibilities...


And just so I can toot my own horn: I lost a dress size in 8 weeks of making changes only to my exercise program (i.e. channel surfing to interval training). Digging on Starbucks AND losing my ass is AWESOME!

Salvation Army Stress Disorder

It started for me a few weeks ago. I hopped out of my car on a mid-afternoon supermarket run, sun shining, about 70 degrees worth of summer still left in the air. My ears perked up like the deer in Bambi at the sound of hunters. Could it be that time already? And then I heard it for certain - the BELL! THE TINKLING CLINKING TINY BRASS BELL! I shifted my gaze from the sky to the front door of the store, and my suspicions were confirmed. Tinkling bell? Check. Swinging red kettle? Check. Guy I'd have to talk to on my way out? Check. THE SALVATION ARMY WAS OUT IN FULL FORCE!

I immediately began checking my pockets and wallet for "spare" dollars or change. I had none! DAMN THE DEBIT CARD! No cash transactions = no change for Salvation Army volunteer. It was like being caught with my pants down! My heart started racing as I approached the door. What the hell was I going to do??? Vomit was a viable option. Why? Because prior to the life of single-incomedom I loved to be the Christmas spare change/cash wielding bitch! Giving is fun, and I love it. That was before the budget and the debit card. And now, here I was, with no good answer to this new situation.

How did I handle it? Well, I can't ignore people, so I told the guy "God bless" on my way out. Whew. Dodged a bullet there, genius. But what do I do next time??? The alternate question is how do YOU handle it? It seems to me that most people take one of three positions on this issue (when they are not giving):

A) completely ignore volunteer bell-ringer;
B) smile, nod, and say "I gave this morning"/"I'll get you next time"; or
C) run like their ass is on fire/it's raining and they have to get to the car.

None of the above options really work for me because I am an ENFP personality (see post to come for more info). I would be awake for days at the thought of being dishonest to someone who is volunteering for poor people for the love of all things holy! (Yes, really, me). However, I can't afford to give a fiver everytime I head into a store. On the other hand, I don't want to be that cheapskate with the pocket full of pennies! For now, I'm taking a few quarters with me when Little Diva and I go errand running so she gets to learn giving, and that's about it at this point. But the quarter jar is getting low!!!

I have entertained the idea of holding out my debit card and pretending to "swipe" at the kettle when I walk by - like SpeedPass for charity. Does that make me an asshead? Discuss your position on holiday charitable giving...

The Coffee Cup Quandary

This message is brought to you by arm restraints and coffee creamers.

I'm a little OCD about some things. Weird things. Things that would make you think I'm a madwoman (or an asshead, your choice). Like coffee cup lids. But only coffee cup lids that do not come on the stout and sturdy go-cups from true coffee establishments like Starbucks and Wired Coffee.

My paranoia is related to, in particular, those flimsy-ass convenience store/gas station coffee cup lids. I have this recurring daymare (like a nightmare, but during my conscious waking hours, oh my god I'm so crazy I'm making up words). In said scenario, I go to take a sip of my judiciously mixed coffee beverage only to have the lid leak/crack, or in the really terrifying dreams, completely blow off leaving me in a boiling hot waterfall of my perfect coffee.

[Note: A special shout out to the lame ass who sued McDonald's many years ago over the coffee spillage burn issue. Thanks to this genius, every coffee cup now has the WARNING: HOT bullshit branded right into the cup. This only adds to the hypersensitivity I have surrounding this issue. There's nothing like seeing those last words as I raise the superheated beverage to my lips, wondering if my daymare will come true.]

SO, if you see someone in the convenience store checking the lid on her damn coffee like 80 times AND pushing down on it hard enough to crumple the whole stupid cup before leaving the scene, it's probably me. Unless that person is muttering things under her breath. Oh, wait. That probably IS me...

10 Things That Annoy Me (A TRL Exclusive)

OK, so this was going to be the TOP ten things that annoy me. However, that is a continually changing list which is often dependent on a) my hormonal/BITCH cycle and b) the amount of times my patience has been toddler-tested in any particular day. So, we'll just go with ten things overall. These are not deal breakers. These are the things that just make me say, "What is UP with this shit?" In no particular order:

10) Purchasing a fountain beverage and realizing upon the return to my car that I have chosen the incorrect size of straw for the beverage cup. Naturally, I've already buckled in and revved up the 4 cylinder when this occurs.

9) Finding myself alone and up late on a Friday night only to rediscover for the eighty-billionth time that Frasier and Golden Girls are NOT in the late-night line up on Lifetime.

8) Again, back out in the car, buckled, revved, etc. etc. and discovering that my iced chai latte has been inappropriately created with WHOLE MILK (I said NON-FAT, you bastard. No, not you. The other one!). Note: Pardons are granted for new baristas.

7) Applying deodorant and the damn stuff falls out. You know, the last chunk left in the twisty-up-lie-to-me container? And it always happens on a this-is-my-last-clean-black-tank-top day, thereby leaving a tell-tale trail of white crap across said shirt. This is why I donned an over shirt on the hottest fucking day of the summer.

6) Nancy Grace. Moving on...

5) Getting all excited that we have a ton of mail, only to realize that 95% of it is from charitable organizations who by now have used all of my previous donation money to send me solicitations for new donations. Next time I'll send them stamps instead and we'll call it even.

4) Long honkers. See Lame Snippet 2 for more info.

3) Stopping at a four-way stop across from other drivers and being the only one who knows the correct procedure. By this I mean that everyone else looks from one driver to the next, and some try to wave others through with complete disregard for the right way to handle it. For those of you who fall into THEIR category, here is the deal should we ever meet across one of these situations (to avoid my wrath):

A FOUR-WAY STOP sign means that there are four stop signs at this

intersection. Traffic from all four directions must stop. The first vehicle to

reach the intersection should move forward first. If two vehicles reach the

intersection at the same time, the driver on the left yields to the driver on the right.*

2) Trying to open any sort of container wrapped in some sort of cellophane/shrink-wrap where a perforation is denoted "OPEN HERE." The annoying containers of which I speak tend to be beverages, lip glosses, or cough syrup. The teeny perforation serves no purpose for me except to make me feel like a complete failure because I can't even open the damn thing where they've supposedly made it easy. CONVENIENCE MY ASS! Somebody hand me a scissors or a box cutter or something. I'll take off a finger tip before I buy into that "open here" scam again. Don't try and do me any favors, Mr. Consumer-Friendly-Packaging Developer Guy. I'm just fine doin' it old school...

1) THIS:
WHY, GOD, WHY? Is this really that hard to figure out? Is this deficiency in appropriate TP behavior genetic and gender-related?

Note: This pic may later appear in a photo essay about hubby. But I was dying to use it, and it fits with the current topic.


Well, I think that's about it for now. NEXT SUBJECT COMING SOON!

Blogger Constipation

In response to some e-mails and comments, I am hanging out here to explain myself (or lack thereof). Paraphrasing from Seinfeld, Kristen, "I will not submit to forcible [posting]!" And yet, here I am. Because some of you actually seem to get all horny for the blog. Geez, it's nice to be missed. But I'm posting for me, not you. GOT IT?! Umm , that's sarcasm. If you're not used to that, you must have ended up here in error. But keep reading because I've been told I say some pretty funny shit from time to time...

For those of you who know me, you are aware that sometimes I drop off the face of the earth for a few days. Then I suddenly appear in all my sahm glory with all too much to say. Therein lies my current dilemma. I am not suffering from a lack of topics upon which to bore you with my ramblings, but rather I have a plethora from which I cannot choose.

I am enduring a MAJOR case of blogger constipation and as soon as you all can help me out, I'm sure posting diarrhea will soon follow. If I don't get some assistance here soon, I'm afraid my creative system will be impacted. And that would completely suck. It's gross, but it's a great analogy. It's like I'm sitting here with a magazine and my drawers around my ankles thinking, "Will you just come out already?!" So discuss in the comments, if you will, the topics you would most like to see shortly:

My wedding story (I'm light years behind you more industrious bloggers on this)
Little Diva's birth story (see parenthesis above)
Salvation Army stress disorder
The coffee cup quandary
Little Diva learns the art of "working a room"
HDTV and its effects on people I envy
Top 10 things that annoy the shit out of me
SAHMBO (stay-at-home-mom burn out)
The strip tease class
ENFP - Yeah, I'm an idealist
Stuff I need to finish before I die
Annoying tidbits about Hubs

That's just a start. Pick some and help me out, dammit!

MUST. GET. SLEEP. NOW.

OH MY GAWD! I am so exhausted. I damn near fell asleep at the lunch table with my fam today. I think all the craziness of this past weekend is catching up with me.


That, AND I've been up late writing for a couple of submission deadlines, which has been fun but is killing my nighttime rest. I've always been a bit of a procrastinator, but it tends to work better for my writing. I've never been one of those people that could do that multi-step writing shit they teach you in school. I'm too ADHD for that bullshit. Get it all out at once, I say! Passion, stress, anxiety - these are the elixir for good writing!!!


The stupid part is that I didn't run Monday (heavy rain), Tuesday I managed to eek out 2 miles, and today, well, I think I just need to go lie down while the wee one gets some much needed shut-eye. She was a major CRAB ASS towards the last part of our weekly visit with S and E at Barnes & Noble this morning, even going so far as to take a swipe at E with one of her paws. We had to come home and have the talk about "you know we use our words and hitting is NOT acceptable." Which was followed by some crocodile tears and a juice request, which somehow makes everything feel better in a toddler world. (I guess I can relate because I know what Grey Goose does for me on a Friday night). I know Little Diva needs a nap or it will be the end of mom of the year as a felony conviction-free citizen by about 4 o'clock today (or as it is known in our house "crappy hour").



Oh. Before I forget, here is my normally sweet baby dressed up for Halloween...

I will say it for you: HOW CUTE! She wanted the pumpkin to become the carriage, but I was simply out of magic dust for that to happen. Alas, we ended up hoofing it to the neighborhood Halloween ball.


OK, I will ponder the run/walk or nap decision for a moment longer. Then I will commit to one or the other and try and come up with something funny to say later...

New Rough Draft Teaser

For your reading pleasure, I've begun a new creative non-fiction piece and have posted a teaser at www.literalchaos.blogspot.com. Please feel free to leave comments, good or not-so-good. I need to hear it all. Also, no, it's not done yet...

Social Event Progression (or Regression???)

Yup. It happened. This weekend hubs and I had our first-ever party including babies, kids, and pictures of everyone's families. It was CRAZY FUN! Up until this point, our parties pre-Little Diva revolved around large quantities of alcohol in many forms and staying up until the wee hours playing drinking games or something else to justify being piss drunk. Post-Little Diva's inmahbellay time and birth, the parties centered around Little Diva (birthdays, baptism, first time on the potty, geez, you know, anything for her). This time our party was one of those rights of passage in family-hood - THE BRING YOUR KIDS PARTY! It was insane, and yet so much fun that I can't wait to have another one after the holidays!

So now, here are some pix:

At our maximum period of fun, we had about 40 people here, about 10 of which were kids. I would venture to say this is probably the most fun I've had in my own home in a while. The beauty of it was that everyone seemed to be relaxed and just having fun being away from their respective homesteads. The newer moms and dads could hang out on the floor with the babies or run up to LD's room for crib/rocking chair use as the need arose or parttake in the many conversations going on all over the place. The toddlers and older kids kept each other entertained and we heard nor saw any whining, crying or bleeding, so all was well! We had all sorts of people here - married with no kids, married with 1 kid, married with several kids, single, single and hot, engaged, married too long to count and so on and so forth. It was great! My only regrets were that it took us over 2 years to have this party and that I wasn't able to spend as much time with everyone as I'd hoped until after dinner. This thing started at 5 and was wrapping for the kid-laden by around 8-ish, which was the plan since we understand that whole bedtime thing. We had several folks who stuck it out with us much later (thanks to post-dinner babysitters for us weary parents).

I totally recommend this type of informal occasion to ANYONE! I hope that all who were here had as much fun as I did. It was so nice to see everyone, and the kids had a great time keeping each other out of our hair, which was also a bonus.

One more web shout-out to Officer N, our friend who recently became a STL City Police Officer. You and your lovely wife have my undying respect and admiration. And, N's a cutie, too, so here's his pic with his shiny new badge:

Mostaccioli Recipe (the short version)

At the request of several readers, here is the quick version of mostaccioli:

CLASSIC BAKED MOSTACCIOLI

1 lb. ground beef
1/2 c. chopped onion
2 1/2 c. meatless spaghetti sauce
1/2 c. water
8 oz. (3 1/3 c.) mostaccioli noodles (or penne, I suppose if your grocery store is LAME)
6 oz. Mozzarella cheese
2 tbsp. Parmesan cheese

In skillet cook meat and onion until meat is browned and onion is tender, stirring to break meat into chunks. Stir in spaghetti sauce and water; simmer 10 minutes. Meanwhile, cook mostaccioli as directed; drain. Mix the sauce with mostaccioli in a 9x13 pan. Sprinkle Parmesan over mixture. Then put Mozzarella cheese on top. Bake at 375 degrees for 25 to 30 minutes. Serve with garlic bread.

Makes 4 to 6 servings.

Happiness Quotient: Extremely HIGH

I have been gone for what seems like forever. I know you are sorely disappointed in me, but, alas, I have been corralling all of the craziness here and also taking some time to indulge myself. Here's the breakdown:

Saturday
Spent the afternoon kid-free with SY looking at all things girly and sparkly and yummy. Treated myself on the impending bonus hubby will be receiving soon (the labor contract was nationally accepted). Here is an example of the end result.

You: Excuse me. You smell fantastically sexy. Are you wearing Dolce & Gabbana?
Me: Why, yes. Yes, I am.

I indeed enjoyed my afternoon and came giggling into the house with a bottle of D&G from Macy's (and nothing more). Ah, yes, these are the simple diva pleasures I remember from my former life (i.e. when I was single).

Sunday
Hubby enthusiastically agrees that we need a new TV. Now, you must understand he is the last person to spend money on such things, so this was a total surprise. Also understand that since my 15 year old kick ass (really) TV crapped out one year ago, we've been watching TV on a 19 inch set as old as me that does not have any input jacks for DVD players, VCRs, or anything but coaxial cable. Oh, and the tube is almost out so I had the contrast turned up as high as it could do so we could get a picture. Thus, watching the World Series was more like watching blood droplets ooze around on a green background.

You: How cool is your new TV?
Me: Well, it's pretty cool by our standards. We don't require much in the way of electronic gadgetry. We already had surround sound (a gift from an ex-boyfriend - thanks, JOHN!) and the DVD player, and the TV brings us up to current American normalcy, I suppose. You can see it here.

Monday-Tuesday
We have an upcoming soiree this weekend a la casa de mom of the year. Thus, I have been cleaning up things and got my office all picked up ultra-clean so we can clear some toys out of the living room and SWOOSH them away to the office to accommodate our guests. I used my "mommy time" while LD was at school to get some party supply shopping done (which did include some nice foo-fooey table coverings and acanthus leaf candle holders - YAY). I was in mid party-planning mode and starting to get some things together both days, and collapsed into bed at night while fighting the horrendous cough my daughter had a few weeks ago.

Wednesday
YAY! Today was Barnes & Noble Day, so I got to hang with S and her daughter E. I might add that the toasted marshmallow mocha at B&N was tasty, although I think maybe a bit overrated. I'll stick to my chai next time, I think. I'm in full party-planning mode and am chomping at the bit to get everything white-glove clean and get the food going, but I certainly wanted to be here for a moment, because I've missed my internet GURRRLZ awfully bad. Over the last few days, I'd realize I missed a whole day with you all and I'd actually fucking freak out about it.

I will post some Halloween pix soon so you can see the light of my life dressed as Cinderella in all her finery.

Anyway, there's mostaccioli to make and bathrooms to clean...

Note to other St. Louisans: "mostaccioli" is not in spellchecker. Can you imagine???

German-esque Recipe from Hausfrau

Good morning, ladies! Hope you all are having an excellent Friday. I thought I would stop in and share a recipe that I love to cook up this time of year. Judging from the states that many of you come from, I think it's safe to say that there are quite a few of you who, like me, have some sort of German heritage down the line. You know, those relatives with the last name bearing a consonant to vowel ratio of about 80:1. While I am mainly of Western European descent (see Braveheart for references), that German gene is so damn potent! Here is a recipe that totally rocks and is super easy. Warning: it does contain sauerkraut. However, my sister, who somehow has managed to misplace her German section of genes, HATES sauerkraut in any of its forms, save for this one. It is actually quite good and can get you through any longings you may have for the fare of Strassenfest, Oktoberfest, Wurstfest, or any of the other FESTS solely created by Germans for the purposes of downing beer and raising cholesterol levels. So, here we go:

Sauerkraut and Ribs

1 32 oz bag of Flanagan Krrrrisp Kraut (usually found by refrigerated pickles in meat section)
1 can french onion soup
1/4 cup brown sugar
2 pounds country style pork ribs boned and trimmed (I buy them this way)

Preheat oven to 350. Place ribs on bottom of 9x13 baking dish. Top with the drained sauerkraut. Sprinkle the brown sugar over the sauerkraut. Pour the undiluted soup over the top of all. Cover with aluminum foil and bake 3-4 hours or until tender. Remove foil during last 1/2 hour for browning.

I LOVE THE SMELL OF THIS BAKING!!! Reminds me of my grandma's house...