Dear Santa,
Well, there are less than 2 weeks until your big holiday. I hope that I'm not too late to get on your dance card for the evening. If I am, then I suppose I'll have to wait for presents until next year. If, however, I get this to you before your route has been determined (damned logistics companies do everything so early these days), there are a few things I'd like to suggest.
First, I must say that I think I've been pretty good this year. My toddler has managed to survive another year in my care, and I've not been convicted of anything that would lead to a stay in the nice correctional facility downtown. As for my mental state, well, I can only say that I'm coherent and have found ways to parlay any stress. I've gotten through another year of stay-at-home motherhood. So I'm all good then, right? Cool.
Secondly, I'd like you to know that this is merely a list of suggestions. If kids these days understood how to write Christmas lists in this way, we might see less school violence and more kids sharing. But the damned little brats have to get everything. Anyway, I digress. Here are my suggestions:
1) A shower enclosure/wall tile to take the place of the crap caulk job currently in place;
2) An all-inclusive trip to an unknown island for ME ME ME (and perhaps a fishbowl companion);
3) The antidote for toddler whining (I'm sure you can relate with the elves and all);
4) Sanity, or some semblance thereof;
5) Just one editor to say "We'd LOVE to publish that. It's AWESOME!";
6) OK, maybe 2 editors;
7) Toys for Diva that will neither be recalled nor come from China (let's just avoid it from the get-go);
8) A spank bank for hubs (thank you, Kristen and respective firefighters);
9) A spot in the next Fiddy video (random white ho on the Benz);
10) A get-out-of-jail-free card for my dirty mouth on this blog;
and if your damned corporate sponsors haven't completely repealed your budget, please send
11) THIS. Hey, I can dream, right?
Lastly, please tell Mrs. Claus that I think she's one hell of a woman putting up with your bullshit. What kind of husband works only one day a year? And putting the needs of the entire world first? Damn, Santa, you'd better be one HELL of a lover, because I can tell you that shit would bother me like all get out.
Anyway, please bring all my blogger peeps whatever they want for Christmas. They deserve it.
Much Love and Merry Christmas!
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11 comments:
Do I even want to KNOW what a "spank bank" is?
Tessie: Acoording to my paramedic friend Kristen, the beloved "spank bank" is the firefighter equivalent of the fishbowl. Isn't that just so, so... eloquent???
Eloquent isn't a word I would use for those firemen...but "spank bank" is freaking hilarious. I almost peed myself when I heard that!
If he's granting wishes, I would like a bathroom remodel, because mine looks like we're operating a crack house.
Hope the big guy comes through for you!
Kristen: Yeah. PEEEEEEEED. Too funny.
lorid: I hope your get your bathroom remodel. Can I come use your shower if he brings you a new loo???
Ha, random white ho in the benz!!
You are my new hero. I love Donnie Wahlberg 4EVA.
Saly: Welcome! Yes, DW is the finest. He just keeps getting hotter and hotter. My booty fave 4EVAH also.
I will share my Benz spot with you.
AND - you are MY hero. Your blog ROCKS!
all these hormones, you just might make me cry....
Saly: Go ahead. I cry and I'm NOT pregnant. I aim to please. For some release, check out the old posts. I'm sure there's enough snark, sarcasm, and profanity to dry your eyes.
If Santa could grant me #3 then #4 would surely follow.
(I hopped over here from Swistle's comment section.)
Mommy Brain: Welcome! Always nice to have a fellow Swistler on the board. Yeah, the whining and sanity do go hand-in-hand for me, too. Maybe just a muzzle would be enough???
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