9 Pounds KO'ed - BUH BYE

Hey, girls! Well, the walking is paying off. I've always maintained that I don't overeat - I under do. And the scale is agreeing with me - 2 weeks and 9 pounds are gone like yesterday's garbage. YAY!

Anyway, I was really ambitious yesterday and decided to tackle a huge spot on our carpet that couldn't be anymore obvious if it were bright red paint (we have grayish-white carpet in most of our house). So I hit it with the carpet cleaner and it all amazingly came up. One problem - it's the only spot of CLEAN carpet in the entire house now. Dammit. Now I need to go rent a Rug Doctor before our little fall soiree in November. And I'll have to do the steps, too (insert sad face with single tear).

Holy shit. Little Diva is going through this whining stage with EVERYTHING! It's driving me fucking crazy!!! Despite repeated attempts to require the "nice voice" for any action from a parental figure, the whiiiiniiing continues. On top of that, we are currently fighting the Battle of Naptime. I swear to god I'm going to lose it with this...

Why an I in such a funky mood? Could it be that mommy needs a GIRLIE DAY? DID SOMEONE JUST SAY THAT PAYDAY IS TOMORROW? Perhaps on Saturday, I will head out and do some girl stuff just for me. I'll have my e-mail forwarded to Sephora in case you all need me ('cuz I know you do). Hmmmm. Black and white shopping bags holding the keys to eternal good looks and femininity. I think that will do nicely.

I'm going to write something else later. I need to go find my sense of humor. It's somewhere around here...

This and That (A Vacation Break)

AH, yes, today is Tuesday. It's Children's Day Out Day (aka Mommy Sanity Day). Do you hear that? ME NEITHER! It's quiet on the midwestern front. Let me soak it up for a second.

I'm sitting here in the office wanting to post a bit before I hit the outdoors for my walk. It's sunny today, with some intermittent clouds. Overall, the weather is great and it's one of those days where you find yourself smiling all of the time. I love days like this - me, the sunshine, and the Dell. And in a moment, me with my homeys and my thoughts for my next writing venture. I actually started on a short story last night that has been taking up mind space for some years. It's time to get that bitch on some paper, yes? Hopefully, I'll have a rough draft teaser up on http://www.literalchaos.blogspot.com/ sometime in the near future. It's funny because this one is not the type of stuff I want when I look for a good book, but it's very enjoyable to write.

Anyway, thought I'd give you a toddler bit. A few days ago, Little Diva and I were headed downstairs after naptime. She turned to me mid-staircase and said, "Mommy, where's my body?" I was a little surprised by that comment. I said, "Well, sugars, you're walking in it." Isn't that odd? I think what she was actually referring to was her shadow, which has been a source of sheer curiosity lately. It was kind of cute, but I couldn't help laugh thinking about what she said because it's entirely how I've felt over the last several months! I think they just have this intuition...

On the vacation posting... well, I think it's one of those things that is way funnier if you were there. So I may post some more pix with captions later and let you all fill in the blanks. I'm lame. The post yesterday wasn't as funny as I imagined, so I'll try and be just informative later and let you find your own humor in the whole thing.

Well, off to walk. Gotta make that mind, body, spirit, connection.

Scenes From A Road Trip Part I

Hey, my lovelies! I trust everyone's weekend was great. The fam and I thoroughly enjoyed our time down in good ol' Mississippi for Papaw's 90th birthday. However, I must say, WHAT A RIOT! Here's how it went down:

Scene 1: Driving through Missouri, I suddenly became aware of how people from the northern parts of the US assume that Missouri is somehow a southern state. It's because we have completely ignorant names for towns such as this:

Yep, that's right, folks. COOTER, MISSOURI! We almost ventured out to find the "Welcome to Cooter" sign, but it was too far off the beaten path and Little Diva was snoozing. Had to take advantage of the precious driving time. This highway exit sign will have to do. Can you even imagine? "Where are you from?" "Cooter, Missouri." How the hell can any reasonable human being say that one with a straight face???

Scene 2: Dogfight

Before I get conVICKted by PETA, this totally happened by accident (well, it would be an accident if I didn't foresee this). My MIL has two powder-puff spa dogs that make me ill. MIL decided it would be great to bring them along; not that she would EVER dream of leaving "the kids" at home. These dogs, well, the treatment of them makes me want to barf. Bear in mind that there are already three dogs that live on the property (a Rottweiler, a Weineraumer, and a Rat Terrier). So FOO FOO stupid dogs get out of the car and the mean of the two decided to pick on the Rottie. So all the craziness of my MIL freaking out ensues. She and the powder puffs are already the focus of every family joke, so this just adds to the hilarity of the ongoing saga. Note: no animals were injured, but MIL did make them retire to over-obnoxious puppy suites early from the assault.

Scene 3: Finding Lula Baptist Church in Lula, MS where the party was held.

Uh, OK, don't bother with a map because I'm willing to bet it's just not on there. The town practically doesn't exist in real life let alone in some cartography program. You take 2 bad roads off the interstate, follow two more nonexistent roads, and look for the spot where the least number of roaming dogs congregates (leaving a trail of bread crumbs might be a good idea). We missed the turn twice and ended up touring the remains of what was once a very tiny old town. It is now pretty much populated desolation. But if anyone needs a cheap summer home, there are a few for sale. HA HA HA!

We'll return for the second half later. Don't worry; the second part is MUCH better...

The Bounce Factor

I'm still reeling from the comments graciously left by Paul Joannides, author of "Guide to Getting It On." Alas, I will put on my poker face and complain for you today about my latest irritation, affectionately named "The Bounce Factor."

Here's how this thing works. I am on a quest to have the less-than-ideal outside of me match my svelte, sexy inside being. I have begun walking and running again on a daily basis in effort to conquer the mom body with which I've been "blessed." This whole exercise deal has been great on a number of fronts (mental, creative, sex goddess wanna-be, and lastly health). However, it has been less than pleasurable on the real front of me. Really. The boobs.

I start out and get things pumping with my ganstas in my ear buds. When I get sick of walking, I switch to running. And therein lies the problem. After about 3.5 minutes, my boobs have smacked me in the chin and upper arm so many times, I have to stop or someone will accuse my husband of being a wife-beater. Oh, and the mams burn with all the fury of hell. Thus, the bounce factor is sabotaging my running effort (or, as in earlier grammar, "harshin' on my running buzz"). Shin splints? Fatigue? Whatever. It's the BOOBS that get me every time.

So do I commit to walking like my ass is on fire until the boobs go down? Or do I suck it up and continue running as my boobs make me look like a human pinata (much to the delight of teenage boys in the neighborhood)? I have yet to find the perfect bra solution to this situation, as even the best fitting sports bra has no elastic left by the time my first interval is over. HELP ME!!! I mean, can anyone relate???

Also, I will be attending a 90th birthday celebration in honor of Hubby's grandfather this weekend. We will be traveling to Mississippi for the festivities, so I will not be able to chat with you all until Sunday. Upon my return, I will probably have some pictures which will make you all question my values, but will be side-splittingly funny. Little Diva is still fighting a cough and crabbiness for which there is no solution (other than Motrin and a humidifier), so we'll see how this car ride goes. Keep your fingers crossed that no one makes us "TURN THIS CAR AROUND, YOUNG LADY!"

I wish you all (ya'll) a happy and safe weekend. Please pray that no one in the family ends up shot by celebration gunfire.

Take-Out Food Ban Lifted

Without any of the grandeur and shit-slinging I expected (and shamefully kind of hoped for), the strike is already over. Picket signs, go back to your usual sheds. Workers pick up your usual tools. There's a tentative contract on the table; the opposing team has decided to pack it up and go home. That was so uneventul that I'm a little sad. No pictures of hubby holding a picket sign.

On the upside, we will be having take-out for dinner. JUST SAY NO TO GRILLED CHEESE! Unless, of course, the members don't vote to accept the deal. Then we're back at square one. But in the meantime, it's restaurant food tonight, baby!

Thanks to all for enjoying this brief adventure with me. Again, as a white-collar, I'm still scratching my head. It's like being involved in a car accident. What the hell just happened?

It's Officially Official

Well, girls, I'm no longer a strike virgin. At 11 AM today, Chrysler workers put down their tools (in the middle of what they were doing) and walked off the job. That is so strange to me. I've been through 2 white-collar lay-offs, and that's about the scope of my understanding about leaving a job. So this stuff is completely weird.

I've been cruising the internet checking out the news spots on this story, and I've been reading the message boards. Boy, when did America become so anti-fellow human being? Yuck. Somehow people have really nasty things to say about the UAW and its employees, and that kind of gets me all hot under the proverbial blue collar. I think there's a lot of misinformation out there about the UAW workers and exactly what their benefits and such are, but the overall reaction seems to be that people really want them all to be jobless and be anti-UAW. While, to a certain extent, I agree with the last half of the statement, why do people want other families to fail financially? I don't get it, and it's a little bit heartbreaking. But, they're haters, and if the UAW did go down, they would feel the economic crunch, too. So fuck the haters.

This is somewhat like watching the last game of the World Series for me. The strike could end in a day or in months - no one really knows. It all depends on what contract is delivered from the mound and whether or not the batter will take a swing. I'm actually kind of excited. But again, I think that's because we have options. I do feel a lot for those families out there right now who don't have the same opportunities; this really can be a scary time for them.

Oh well. Just wanted to check in and let you all know that I get to have the inside scoop on strike life for all of us who never understood it growing up. Perhaps this will become the premise for my blockbuster novel???

On a happy note, I know how much everyone loves pix. So if Hubby gets picket duty, I will be sure to post his debut right here...

Honey-Do's

Ok, so my understanding is that when a guy isn't working, the male psyche takes a pretty big beating. In order to combat potential strike "ego deflation," I'm compiling a list of available semi-manly projects that my dear-God-don't-make-me-use-a-chainsaw husband wouldn't mind doing. These things must be easy to complete, require little planning, and not be too girly or too woodsman-like either. So help me out here. I have a few things I think I'll toss in the mix, but I'm open to ideas:

spackle holes from prior maze of baby safety gates
rub mom of the year's feet
hang decorative iron work that's been residing on the floor for over one year
give mom of the year a massage
power wash minuscule deck (is that too much toolage???)
make mom of the year dinner
seal minuscule deck with wood sealer (again, too much labor???)
detail mom the of the year's car
pick up dog poop in backyard
feed mom of the year strawberries and champagne
add new mulch to small flower beds

Hmmmmm. I know there's something else. It's on the tip of my tongue. Ahhhhh, yes:

Read "THE GUIDE TO GETTING IT ON" so the wife can be forever blissful. I think this would vastly improve the quality of my environment in addition to the above tasks. What's better than no dog poop in the back yard and a little sumpin'-sumpin'??? Well, there's the REAL question for the comments:

FILL IN THE BLANK: __________ is better than sex. Be honest. Your guy won't ever know you told. Be catty. Be anonymous if you like. Just be here in the comments, dammit!!! Let's lighten it up here!!!