Eye Doctor IQ

Am I the only person in the world who gets nervous going to the eye doctor? Perhaps some of you can identify with my nervous tummy if I lay out my visit for you today:

Exhibit A: The air puff test thing. Yeah, you know the drill. They shoot air into your eye to check the pressure. Totally sucks and I flinch every time, meaning it takes like 10 tries to get it right.

Exhibit B: The stupid eye charts. Damn. I feel like I'm being given a pop quiz or something. What letter is that? G, or maybe a C? Wait. Is that a O or a D? And just for shits and giggles to scare the hell out of you, there are numbers now on that thing, too.

Exhibit C: The corrective lenses eye test. Which is clearer, this or this? OK. Is this better or worse? Fuzzy or clearer? 1 or 2? OK. 3 or 4? OK 5 or 6? What the hell number are we on?! No dammit, I don't know which is better! Which is the right answer????????? Stop the insanity!

Exhibit D: Field vision screening. Every time the doc sees that my mom has developing glaucoma, I am automatically subjected to the stupid test where you click a button every time you see a line disturbance in a vision field. And I'm all, GOD, I DON'T FUCKING KNOW! Did I just see one there? Or there? Or was that just an artifact from the last one? Someone tell me the answer!

Yeah, so that was my day. I'm going for coffee and a Prozac, perhaps...

My Hometown Goes Dirty

For Tessie (who HEARTS Mike Rowe) and Erica (who HEARTS St. Louis): Tonight's episdoe of Dirty Jobs was made in The Lou. Apparently Mike Rowe was in town learning how to put barges in the scrap heap. I'm not sure how much of The Lou you'll get to see, but hey, Mike Rowe is enough, right?

Peace. I'm out!!!

From the Highlight Reel

Happy Monday to all! It is Monday, right? I can't keep it all straight with hubs STILL OFF WORK SINCE CHRISTMAS! Yes, that's right - a month's worth of down time for him. I'm going batty! Love him, but shit. This is insane. Usually he gets two weeks off, but this year we were given an EXTRA two, no doubt for good behavior with all of the insanity of the market right now. Well, at least, that's what I tell myself so I don't freak out.

ANYWAY - the highlight reel. So, even after the madness of the holidays, being sick for two weeks, and a weather system so crazy it's a wonder no one has said the world is ending, I have managed not to gain back any weight and reclaimed the minute on my running intervals that I had previously lost. I'm down a total of 24 pounds. WOO HOO! And remember - my only philosophy on this whole this is to do what feels good and not a speck more, which has translated so nicely to weightloss for me. What's on the highlight reel? Two cool things:

1) From under the net - My postal woman cheers me on every day, but hadn't seen me because I was sick for a couple of weeks. I saw her on Friday, and she said had to do a double-take because she said she didn't recognize me.

2) And from the three-point line, a married father-of-two neighbor of mine that I usually see while out running actually came to my house, rang my damn doorbell, and asked if I was okay since he hadn't seen me in a while. Then, as he was leaving, he turned around, gave me the twice over with THE EYE, and said, "Damn. You're looking good, mama."

What the hell? It was so weird, and yet, somehow awesome.

Anyway, I'm powering writing the book this week since on Friday I will be flying to Southern California for the Eternal 29th Birthday Convention (AKA the gathering of The Dirty Thirties) - a trip that I'm sure, as you would guess, will no doubt involve much dancing, drinking, and male-bashing. YAY!

I'll have more for you later...

Literary Slut Version 2.0

Well, it's been a while, has it not, my lovlies? Sorry I've been MIA, but I'm undertaking a project which has me doing all sorts of crazy things like staying up all night researching things online, performing spontaneous dance parties in my home office, and generally being wicked cool. What is it, you ask?

I'm writing that fucking book. Finally.

So ANYWAY... what have you all been up to? I've actually been checking up on you guys a lot; I just haven't been posting and such. But now that a good deal of my research is done for this motherfucker, let's get this party started AGAIN!

My hats off to everyone who survived the holidays complete with car trips, multiple familial homes to visit, and cranky babies. We have three days of Christmas, of which Christmas Day is actually spent sitting on our asses, opening presents at home, and ordering Chinese take-out for dinner. Bonus - all of our family lives within 20 minutes of us. So, even if I had any holiday complaints, I would feel like a complete asshat for airing them here as I saw so many of you rolled down the open road with screaming kiddos.

My love and middle finger to all my bitches. Literary Slut is back.

Holy Peanut Butter Kisses!!!

OK, so the BIG DAY is only 5 days away and there is not one single solitary cookie in this house. This afternoon, I will venture out to get some flour so we can bake a batch of damn Christmas cookies.

I also still have one gift to buy. Damn again.

And I'm shredded. Because like a dumb-ass I was up until 4:30 this morning on my living room floor with a journal. Will it become a novel? It better become a fucking novel!

Anyway, peace to all this Thursday afternoon. I need to hit the trail (or the bottle perhaps)...

Manic Monday

Yeah, I'm a day behind. BITE ME. Uh, I mean, happy holidays.

I'm usually done with my Christmas shopping by this time of year. Now I know the joy of all the last-minute bullshit that people put up with. Dear God, why would anyone intentionally wait till the last minute??? This whole thing kind of snuck up on me this year. I looked at the calendar yesterday and was all, "Holy SHIT! Christmas is only a week away?" And I'm still on the quest for the "WOW" gift for hubs. It's usually basketball tickets, but due to budget constraints this year, I've been rethinking that one. Worst case scenario is that I can cave at the last minute and go pick some up downtown. We'll see.

Speaking of not having enough time (?), yesterday I also lost 20 minutes of my life - AT FUCKING KOHL'S. I went in to buy Diva a new pair of sneaks (they've got the best deal on toddler Nikes, and she needs them for her skinny feet) and when I got to the checkout, there were three (1-2-3) people in front of me, none with particularily large purchases. And it took 20 minutes for me to get out the damn door. Generally, I'm the world's most patient person, but this was RE-TARD-ED. When in doubt, team up and have a comedy jam session! I don't know that I've ever had as good a stand-up set as I did yesterday in line with the customers behind me. I offered up that I think stores should bring back carolers and snacks for people waiting in line. And then, the cashier asked the woman in front of me who was paying for her items if she wanted a gift receipt. And on cue, me and everyone behind me sang a chorus of "NO! Dear GOD, NO!" It was actually pretty funny. Well, I guess you had to be there...

Then, I was completely parched and needed a beverage. As luck would have it, there is a brand new SBUX drive-thru across the street. Like manna from HEAVEN! As I went through the DT, I believe I proposed to the barista. I don't know that I've ever been that happy to see my iced chai latte come out of the damn DT window. I called bananafana during my manic fit of tea-ness, and I think that now she may be rethinking our friendship. TOO BAD, SISTA! YOUR ASS IS STUCK WITH ME!

On the running front, well, the sidewalks are still a bit icy from the 6 inches of snow we got over the weekend. The good news? The highs today and tomorrow will be in the 40s, and we're not getting any major precip until later in the week. So I'll be back on track shortly. Thank GOD!

On the writing submission front, got a rejection yesterday. But at least it was a nice one. So I'll edit and send it somewhere else. Several folks have asked if it bothers me when I get one. I'd have to say that it really hasn't. It's annoying at worst. I can't be angry with editors if they don't think I'm a good fit. Someone out there somewhere wants what I have; I just need to find them. And most publications will start taking submissions again in January, so I'm getting ready for that. Thanks to everyone for cheering me on. If, however, I haven't gotten any acceptances by next fall, please punch me in the face, burn the flash drive, and tell me to get my head out of my ass. Thank you in advance.

For anyone who would like, I've posted an excerpt of the family Christmas letter at my other blog. Take a gander if you like.

Happy Tuesday to all!!!

Giving to Everyone Who's Ever Done Anything For You

On the heels of bananafana and tessie, I've looked up all the guidelines for the 80 bajillion service people in my life. I don't have to worry about the daycare thing, but for your amusement, here are the guidelines per Emily Post:

Every situation is different, so let common sense, specific circumstances, and holiday spirit be your guides. The tip amounts in this chart are merely guidelines. What to give is always an individual decision.
Au pair
A gift from your family (or one-week’s pay), plus a small gift from your child

Babysitter, regular
One evening’s pay, plus a small gift from your child

Barber
Cost of one haircut or a gift

Beauty salon staff
The cost of one salon visit, split among the staff

Child’s teacher
Check your school’s policy first, as gift giving may be prohibited. If allowed, then give a gift that is a token of appreciation from your child, not cash. Possibilities: a homemade gift made by your child, a book or a picture frame. Or, consider participating in a joint gift from the class as a whole. Possibilities: a gift certificate to a restaurant or bookstore.

Day care providers
$25 to $70 each, plus a small gift from your child for the providers who give direct care to your child(ren)

Dog walker
One week’s pay or a gift

Fitness trainer, personal
Up to the cost of one session

Garage attendants
$10 to $30 each

Home health employees
A gift, but check with the agency first, as most agencies have a no gifts or no tips policy. If this is the case, consider giving a donation to the agency.

Housekeeper/cleaner
Up to one week’s pay or a gift

Letter carriers
U.S. government regulations permit carriers to accept gifts worth up to $20 per occasion, not cash

Live-in help (Nanny, Housekeeper, Cook, Butler)
One week’s to one month’s salary based on tenure and customs in your area, plus a personal gift

Massage therapist
Up to one session’s fee or a gift

Newspaper deliverer
$10 to $30

Nurse, private
A gift, not cash

Nursing home employees
A gift, not cash, but check the company policy first. Consider giving a gift that could be enjoyed by or shared among the floor staff: flowers, chocolates or food items.

Package deliverer
A small gift if you receive deliveries regularly; most delivery companies discourage or prohibit cash gifts

Personal caregiver
Up to one week’s salary or a small gift

Pet Groomer
If the same person grooms your pet all year, up to one session’s fee or a gift

Pool cleaner
Cost of one cleaning, to be split among crew