Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Important Announcement

Be it known to all persons that any and all decisions from this point forward shall be made by proclamation according to the mystical powers of the Magic 8-Ball. That way I have someone else to blame when everything blows up in my face.

Thank you.

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Teacher Home Visit? SHIT!

Oh my God. Somebody fucking help me! I got a message from LD's preschool teacher today that she'd like to schedule a home visit this week. THIS WEEK! As the message sank into my busy brain, I scanned my kitchen. All that came to mind was this:

I have been so stupid busy with stuff that my house is in desperate need of a TOTAL FUCKING MAKEOVER! Grab your mops and hike over. STAT!

Also: I had a great training run last night, so I celebrated by dancing my ass off to Milkshake by Kelis. Get up in your cubicles, your dirty showers - whatev. GO AHEAD, LADIES! Web shout to SALY! (Wish I could have posted the video here, but alas, there is no embed code.)

I'm off to defunk my house!

Monday, August 18, 2008

She Teaches Me

Life is not always pretty. Being a grown-up isn't easy. Making hard choices sucks. Trying to be the woman I want my daughter to emulate is a challenge. Sometimes, though, she is the one teaching me.

Last week was a little rocky for me. So many things in my life are changing that I get dizzy just thinking about it all. Occasionally, I become overwhelmed. She's the one that gets me through.

I was crying pretty hard after a rough afternoon. Little Diva approached me quietly and calmly with little soft steps and concern on her face.

"Mommy, why are you crying?"

How should I answer a question like that to a three-year-old? I wiped my face with a kleenex and pulled her onto my lap. We talked about how it's okay to cry because sometimes we just get so much built up inside that we have to let it out. We talked about how she cries when she's scared and sad, and sometimes mommies feel those things, too. We talked about how it's okay to feel all of these things, and that it's perfectly fine to cry.

She sat quietly for a moment. I could see in her eyes that she was thinking pretty hard. And then she blessed me in a way only a child can. She took my face in her chubby little preschool hands, looked me in the eyes, and said, "I love you, Mommy."

"I love you, too, boo," I said.

She gave me a sweet little kiss and said, "You're going to be just fine. We're going to be okay."

Yes, we are, boo. Yes, we are.

In the Celtic tradition - a tradition from which I derive much of my philosophy - there are no words for "hello" and "goodbye." Each meeting and parting of souls is framed with blessing. Because I have been so blessed by Little Diva, I in turn offer a blessing for all of you and yours. It's a song called "The Blessing" that I sing to LD. Here's wishing you the warmth and wisdom of preschool hands upon your face...

"The Blessing"

In the morning when you rise
I bless the sun, I bless the skies
I bless your lips, I bless your eyes
My blessing goes with you

In the nighttime when you sleep
Oh I bless you while a watch I keep
As you lie in slumber deep
My blessing goes with you

This is my prayer for you
There for you, ever true
Each, every day for you
In everything you do

And when you come to me
And hold me close to you
I bless you
And you bless me, too

When your weary heart is tired
If the world would leave you uninspired
When nothing more of love's desired
My blessing goes with you

When the storms of life are strong
When you're wounded, when you don't belong
When you no longer hear my song
My blessing goes with you

This is my prayer for you
There for you, ever true
Each, every day for you
In everything you do

And when you come to me
And hold me close to you
I bless you
And you bless me, too

I bless you
And you bless me, too

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Funny Shit

There is nothing funnier than people falling down. They glued this bastard's flip flops to the floor. Enjoy, fuckers!

"Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die." - Mel Brooks

Friday, August 1, 2008

Random Thought At Starbucks

I realized while in line for my chai today that Starbucks probably spent more money on tongs so they could put bananas in smoothies than the amount of money I paid for my house.

SBUX Pres: Hello, Target? Yeah, I need tongs.

Target Customer Service: How many, sir?

SBUX: Let's see. Well, I guess 15,011 pairs.

Target: Okay, sir. Is that all?

SBUX: Actually, make that double. Some jackass will undoubtedly drop them on the floor. So let's go with 2 pairs for every store.

Target: Okay. That's 30,022 pairs at $6.99 per pair with your volume discount?

SBUX: Sure.

Target: Your total is $209,853.78 plus shipping. Anything else?

SBUX: Yes! Can I return 1200 of those if I have the receipt?

Target: Certainly. As long as it's within 90 days.

SBUX: Perfect.

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

I Don't Mess Around

OK, so Landlocked Media, LLC's street team division is up and running. With college about to come back from summer break, I'll be recruiting. And since pix are worth a thousand words, here you go. I give you "2 Legit 2 Quit."

This is where handling multi-million dollar accounts in my pre-motherhood life will come in handy. Paperwork is filed, bank accounts opened, contacts being made. Here we go, y'all. Let's make a little magic.

Also, since this is actually a mom blog, here is a pic of Little Diva painting our back patio doors. Hey, when Mom has a good creative day, LD is allowed one, too. BONUS: J Dizzle flipped out. FUSSYPANTS!


Saturday, July 26, 2008

Then and Now: Pictorial Version 2.0

I've written this post several times. This is a difficult one for me because it is so intensely personal. The last one I had posted was REALLY long and drawn out. What y'all really want to see is what I look like having lost 40 pounds in under 12 months without committing to some diet. So I'm going to do that in a second. But first...

Weight is a subject we just aren't honest about, are we? But, bloggerdom, we need to be. There are so many things I'd like to say about this transformation, but I have one simple take-home message for all of you. For me, this transformation was completely mental. I did not get into running to change the way I looked on the outside. I started running - which began as walking - for the renewal of the spirit inside of me that wanted to be at peace again. All the weight I had gained since 2003 (I was pretty average up until then in my teen and young adult years) was the result of a ton of commotion, stress, and upheaval in my life, as many of us have in our twenties. Running has become my solace, my solitude - the place where I am most in touch with my soul. (A little Zen, anyone?)

The bottom line: Transformation is about the mind-body-spirit connection. If you'd like me to talk about that in a post, I'd be happy to do it. Just holla.

Anyway, without further ado, I bring you THE TRANSFORMATION:

Above: This one is making me cry because I know how I felt about my life. Last June. Me, on the left. Fat and happy? Bullshit.

Below: This one is making me cry because I can't believe how far I've come. 450 miles (and a whole reborn soul) later.

My doctor tells me that I have 14 pounds left to kick. At the most.

Will I ever go back? Hell no. I can't.
Questions? Ask anything, even my uber-personal stats. I'll give you whatever you want if it will get you thinking about dealing with your own issues. Someone dear to me was my inspiration. I'd be honored to be yours.