Thursday, May 8, 2008

DOWN WITH COFFEE

I've got a monkey on my back and his name is Juan Valdez! (Thank you Jack McFarland)

I am currently suffering from not only a case of the marital fuck-its but also a scorching case of OCD (Obsessive Coffee Disorder). I refuse to even tally up the amount of money I've spent in the last week on coffee and miscellaneous coffeehouse crap. Between Starbucks, Murdoch Perk, Borders, Barnes & Noble, Wired Coffee, and Kaldi's, I could have supported several families in Myanmar. This makes me a complete asshat. So I have been attempting to do more of the grind here at home.

The Fates are not happy.

The other night when I totaled my flash drive, what was I doing? Returning from the kitchen with a fresh cup from the Cuisinart (thank you, Fana). Disaster. Last night, while heading back with a cup of coffee from the kitchen, guess what? ANOTHER BIGGER MORE TREACHEROUS DISASTER!

Kids, this totally sucks ass because it happened on a total FUCK-IT Day. I heard running water as I came down the upstairs hallway with my coffee. I peaked into the upstairs bathroom to see if maybe LD had been playing with the faucet or something. NO SUCH LUCK! Instead, I heard water hitting the bathroom floor as a large puddle began to spread across the tile.

The fucking toilet tank (CLEAN WATER PEOPLE!) cracked. I immediately went into home-improvement superheroine mode and attempted to shut the water off at the wall. The damn valve got stuck. So I shoved a bucket under the crack and ran to grab the phone to call my dad (thank God he only lives a few miles away) because, after all, Hubs was at work at 1 AM. And then I heard the second crack in the tank. All I could think was "HOLY SHIT, KIDS! GRAB YOUR LIFE VESTS!"

It was hell. HELL, I SAY! The water ran down between the walls and into the basement, so I had that clean-up to deal with in addition to the water all over the bathroom floor. Bonus - even my dad struggled to get the water shut off, so I don't feel too badly about my lack of LONE WOMAN AT HOME IN CRISIS MODE POWER.

So much for that tax return.

Fuck the home brew. Got to go see Jared and Rob at Starbucks. MUST HAVE COFFEE...

I'm out.

8 comments:

Tessie said...

That water thing is my worst NIGHTMARE! I think I would just shut the door and PRAY FOR DEATH!

Ugg, I hear you on the coffee. I have taken that shit to a NEW and HORRIFYING level lately.

Saly said...

All I can say is duuuuuude that sucks...and how convenient for your hubby that he wasn't home. Reminds me of the sensor on my washer crapping out so it just kept on filling.....there was so much water in my basement.

I have been on a SBUX kick lately too, half decaf of course. But I can't go to the one near work--they say stupid shit like "it's so nice to see your springtime face today!!" and they really run the risk of getting punched.

Sooo....it can't get any worse, right??

mom of the year said...

Tessie: I damn near did just leave the house. But then again, that would have meant leaving a pot of coffee behind!

Saly: Springtime face? Motherfuckers. I'd totally kick some ass. Sorry about the washer; that totally must have sucked.

artemisia said...

Oh! I haven't even imagined this particular homeowners' nightmare. I am so, so sorry!

I would have been cycling from rage to crying to rage to crying...geez.

I hope today goes better for you.

Jim said...

I must say, this is quite a tale. Geez.

The Smooth and Mellow blend of coffee from TRader Joe's is actually rather tasty for a home brew. I'd suggest it, it's $5.99 for a decent-sized can of beans.

Anyway, check it.

mom of the year said...

Jim: Welcome! Gald you stopped by. Do you like my alter ego? I should make that trip to Trader Joe's!!!

mom of the year said...

art: Thanks. Yeah, the eotional cycles was in high gear. NOT. PRETTY.

Kari said...

Oh my gosh, that sucks! Similar to when a hose broke in the washer at my parents' house...horrid!